It was dead silent. Pitch black. I was alone in the comfort of my bed, but even my bed didn’t bring my the comfort I longed for this time. I felt vulnerable; like my heart was on my sleeve, like my emotions were there for everyone to see, like my struggle was obvious.
Although the room was silent my mind was anything but silent. It felt like a mini tornado was racing around in there. It was deafening. I tossed and turn. I threw the sheets on and off. I prayed that I would just fall asleep — nothing.
That little voice in my head was now screaming. I’m not able to silence it. It getting louder and louder. I wanted to shut it out, lock the door behind it, for it never to return. I want to run, but run where? Where is comfort when its your own mind that you are trying to escape.
“You’re right” my mind scolded me “Your struggle is obvious. You quite literally wear the scars from all the times you lost the battle.” I need to run. I need to be far away from myself.
“Why are you still trying? Just give up. You know your struggles are going to win. It always does.” I grasped onto my pillow on the verge of tears, afraid to move.
I was letting the voice of self-doubt, the voice we are all too familiar with, cripple me. This happens all too often — the doubt, the pain, the struggle, the feeling that the little control I have left is slipping through my fingers. Enough is enough. This time I was determined to not be defeated.
Looking back on this night there was a valuable lesson to be learned — I may never defeat self-doubt. My mind may always tell me (and does always tell me) that I’m not smart enough, I’m not talented enough, and I’m not strong enough. My self-doubt may always be my weakness, but just because I cannot defeat it does not mean it will defeat me.
I can hear the voice screaming that my struggle is obvious. I can catch the stares of other people when they notice. I can acknowledge that yes, it is fairly obvious, but it makes me who I am. There is no need to fear who I am. I can learn to be proud of my past. And when that voice of self-doubt tells me I am not strong enough to overcome I can learn to fight back harder; to be victorious.
Friends, self-doubt may be something I never defeat but it will never defeat me. If my mind thinks she can stop me from living my life to the fullest, she is going to have to try a little harder.