Through tears she looked at me and said, “You need to get help. Every night I go to bed wondering if you are going to be here tomorrow.”
I look at her emotionless. My heart had turned to stone. I couldn’t see the effect my actions had on the people around me. I was trapped. I was drowning in darkness.
“I’m fine! Leave me alone. I can handle this myself.”
I knew I was a ticking time bomb. My life was slipping through the cracks. How could I admit this to people. I was certainly only going to scare them away.
“You have to tell your parents or I am going to tell them myself and then we are getting you help.”
This was my worst nightmare confirmed. How was I going to tell my parents that I lied to them about self-harming for 7 years? How was I going to tell them that it had gotten really bad? If I got help, everyone was going to know the wounds of my heart — they were going to see my struggles brought to the light.
Later that week I took a deep breath and called my mom and three weeks later started three weeks of intensive outpatient therapy. Endless diagnoses and medicines it seemed were thrown at me. I left feeling like a science experiment not a human.
I. AM. NEVER. GETTING. BETTER.
This pit is too deep. This mental illness is crippling. Addiction has chained me down.
This was April/May 2017; this was the time I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it to my senior year of college.
You might be wondering why I would ever share such a vulnerable and tender part of my heart with the internet. Here is why:
Six beautiful months later — here I am. Here I am in my senior year of nursing school. Here I am overflowing with joy; overflowing with love for life. I am just like any other 22 year old. I have gained my life back all by one simple action: letting others help me.
tear down the walls, let yourself be loved even in your darkest. Seek the counsel and support you need. There’s no shame.
This is and forever will be the best decision I could have ever made.
I would be lying if I said this was easy. Tearing down the wall around my heart and exposing it to others was terrifying. Learning that even though I am broken and hurt so many people along this rocky journey, I am still worthy of love. I am still good. Sitting along with my thoughts still can be scary, but also beautiful. It is in these times of challenge that I am growing — growing towards getting my life back.
I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you are in life, but I know one thing: you are a gift. A beautiful gift worthy of love. Life is a gift. Life is freeing. And I’m learning to accept the gift that I am. I am learning to be free.
And here is the biggest lesson I learned:
This too shall pass.